05 September 2012

blog repost: i woke up feeling blue, then angry... (Imperfect Prose)

a while back, some friends and i started writing a blog under pseudonyms, on a bit of a lark really, just to have some fun and see what would happen. the answer is that not much happened. we wrote for a bit and then sort of let it go. what you will find below is a re-post* of something i wrote about a year ago under my pseudonym (st isidore), but it's interesting to note how i still experience days like the one i describe. life is, as they often say, a marathon and not a sprint.

i'm thrilled to be linking up with imperfect prose today...


i fear i've been a bit mopey of late (see post title above). and this isn't false humility, or self-deprecation. i've been mopey. more than anywhere else this sad, somewhat sardonic disposition comes out in the things i write. so up front, ahead of the poem which follows this, which is definitely mopey, i apologise.

i was laid off two months ago, and this exciting bit of personal history has served to fuel whatever natural tendencies toward fear and doubt and insecurity i already had. not completely, mind you, for the flip side of my somewhat depressive state is a nearly preternatural tendency to believe everything is going to be okay. that's weird, right? this morning, for example, i woke up and without even trying, before i'd even had time to take a pee and put my glasses on - in that order, to my wife's chagrin - i felt depressed.

yet sitting here, typing these words, wondering what you'll think of me and the poem i've written, i somehow feel hopeful, nearly cheery, at how it's all going to work out. i see all the wee drops of grace falling before my very eyes. the way the wife writes poems and stories that make me want to read them more, and be a better writer, husband, and father all at the same time; the way the son and daughter attempted to learn how to knit together last night, and how they really did try to help each other, and how the son had the good sense to take a break when he started getting frustrated; the way my bacon tasted this morning, and the way the coffee tasted, oh God, the coffee, the way it tasted and warmed and worked its way into my belly and my veins and my soul.

God is ruining me and saving me all at the same time, and all at the same time it's wonderful and it hurts like hell. God is teaching me to revel in my impotence while i learn to trust in his omnipotence. it sucks and it's stupid and i don't get it and i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i can't get him to move any faster than he is because his love for me does not work on my schedule.

his love for me is killing me and giving me new life, all at once, every moment of every day. he is my God, and i am his child. he is God, and he is love, and i am love's child. enjoy the poem.

*as you may have deduced from some of the references, the original post had a poem, too.  you can find it all here.


  1. Your tomato will bloom again Steven

  2. It's funny how some of those struggles are still so relevant. It's either funny or depressing; I'm not sure which one, lol. I love you, and God is saving us. It just looks far different than we imagined it would :)

  3. I understand the frustration in knowing that--even though it'll all work out in the end--it's not working out right now.

    1. that's exactly it, brandee. my wife and i talk about this all the time. we both have this deep seated sense, this sort of unshakable understanding, that it will all work out, it's all part of something bigger than us. but right now, in this moment, what i believe will be isn't helping what is.

      when it happens in someone else's life the tension is fascinating. when it's your life, it's excruciating.

      in all things, though, i can still see grace peeking through, like sunlight finding its way through the clouds to the ground...

      thanks so much for stopping by... - s.

  4. i cannot express adequately how much i loved this. how refreshing it was, and how it hurt, too, because it resonated so deeply. i've shared it, and hope you continue to link up with ip. bless you, e.

    1. it was interesting for me to work backward and trace both the lines of hurt and pain, but also grace and mercy, in comparing my life as it is in this moment versus when i first wrote the post.

      yesterday i saw somewhere that someone had posted the CS Lewis quote about how we're not necessarily afraid to ask for God's best, but we're afraid for how much God's best might hurt. i know God is intimately involved with me, and that is all at once just enough and nearly too much...

      thanks so much for stopping by, for sharing the post, and for taking the time to comment. thanks, too, for creating a space in your corner of the electronic world that invites honesty in all its varied forms.

      peace - s.

  5. thanks for this tall glass of aliveness,
    on the rocks.
    nudges my heart open to the peace
    that was just waiting.
    glad and grateful,

    1. jennifer,

      thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment. i'm thankful, too, that peace could play a role in your time here in my neck of the woods. that's about the best outcome i could ever hope for.

      may you ever by guarded by this same

      peace - s.

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