09 January 2013

imperfect prose: if i stand...

i actually shared this on a friend's site a few weeks ago, but i think (i hope) that it fits with the prompt over at emily w's place for imperfect prose, so i'm sharing it again. enjoy...

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the thing is, nothing has turned out like i thought it would. it took me the better part of two decades to finish my college degree, i spent ten years in ministry and when i left i had exactly nothing to show for it, and after leaving the ministry the best job i could get (at first, anyway) was setting appointments for dishwasher repairs across the southeast. i had given God a third of my life and what he gave me in return was a two bedroom apartment next to some college kids and a frequent wheeler and dealer card at the local pawn shop.

and so i began to think that God was testing me, purifying me, disciplining me, maybe even flat out punishing me.  over the past four years my views on some things have begun to evolve, and it occurred to me one day that maybe i was becoming a heretic, and maybe God was allowing me to experience hell on earth to help me avoid experiencing hell in, well, hell. and so i prayed.

and i prayed some more.  and i cried, and yelled at God, and berated myself for my inability to see things through, to believe for something better, to obey his call and command.  i pleaded with my wife to forgive me for being a bad husband, a bad provider, a failure. i would look at my kids and weep for what i had robbed from them by not being able, better, smarter, tougher.

after a couple years i got a job that was (way) better and i started making a little more money, and i began to think that maybe this was my time. God had, for whatever reason, allowed me to walk through the desert, but in so doing, had brought me to the sea, and now i could rest and revive and renew myself in the lush waves of better paychecks and health benefits.  it was great, really. we moved to a bigger place, we went out to eat every once in a while, and the wife was able to go to the doctor and not the local health clinic.  it was great.  it was hopeful. it was fun.  

it was over in eleven months.

i got laid off, and wallowed in unemployment for eight months.  when i finally found steady work, it was in a warehouse making sure people who had ordered a mixer online got it in time for the wedding shower or the church bake sale.  i started out scheduling appliance repairs, and now i had come full circle and was shipping the appliances new and in the box. i worked ten hours a shift, moving, sorting, lifting, sweating, despairing, questioning, cursing.

and then it happened again.  a few weeks ago i got a call about a job opportunity with better pay and the promise (please, God, please!) of a raise and benefits and security.  dare i hope? do i have the strength to believe something good might happen?

ultimately, though, what choice do i have? i will believe, because that is who i am, who we are.  we are people who endure, and having endured, we believe, and having believed, we persevere, and having persevered, we again find it is time to endure, and then to believe, and so on and so on, until...

we are all too often made to believe that the rewards for surviving difficult times all wait for us here, on this side of glory, as it were. i no longer believe that. at all. what i do believe is all at once much simpler and much more complicated than that.

i believe that tough times are simply part of our journey.  i also believe that as Christ-followers, it is not for us to attempt to divine when these times will come, or even - and this is absolutely, positively, the hardest bit - why, but rather it is for us to simply join mary, the mother of Christ herself, as she turns to the angel and says, “be it unto me according to your will”. did she know what all that meant? i think not.  could she have foreseen the murder of the innocents, the flight to egypt and back again, the agony of the garden, the abandonment of the cross, the empty hopelessness of the tomb? no.  nor, however, could she have seen it all come into focus in the cool of the morning that seemed like the start of the rest of her empty life.  

i don’t have all the answers.  sometimes it feels like i don’t have any answers.  with all that is in me, i hope and pray that God is bringing me and my family into a season of blessing and ease and rest and restoration.  beyond this, though, it is my eternal prayer that i will walk with him through whatever he has for me.  

and this is my prayer for you, too, that in days of sun or rain, hope or despair, rest or strife, you will know not only that you are not alone, but that the one who accompanies you has seen the pain you see, has known the sting of betrayal you may feel, has been abandoned and lonely and poor and broken. he has been all of these things, and so much more, and in all of this, he has overcome.

he stands today, he stands yesterday, and he stands tomorrow.  and because he stands, we will, too.

you. will. stand.

as will i.

13 comments:

  1. Yes. I've been there, this wrestling, circling, pounding on heaven's door. And then finally the calm realization that we will stand. Because of grace. Blessings to you Steven. I hope and believe better times are ahead.

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    1. i think often of the book by margaret clarkson, "grace grows best in winter". without question, if i stand at all, it's is because of his goodness, his grace.

      thanks so much for taking the time to stop by.

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  2. Been there, brother.

    Blessings and grace.

    (visiting from emily's place)

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  3. What a struggle. I'm grateful that you don't try to recolve it here, but simply lay out the struggle and your faith, side-by-side like clashing colors but beautiful none-the-less.

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    1. i appreciate your comments so much.

      it's difficult for me sometimes, because we are so often told that the great christian promise is of a life filled with laughter and mid-sized sedans and really easy-to-apply sunday school lessons. and some times those things do dot the landscape of our lives, but at other times it's more sagebrush and sand than rivers and sunshine. i hoped to convey that here.

      again, thanks so much for taking the time to stop by and comment...

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  4. We went through a long Job season, but finally are experiencing the light at the end of the tunnel and are seeing some of God's recompense in our lives. Praying for you, your wife, your family that the best is yet to be.

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  5. I have been here before. Your words are inspiring. thanks for sharing.

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    1. i really appreciate that. i'm always telling lori people like her and you and lance are real bloggers/writers, and i'm just sort of messing around, so for you to take the time to stop by means a lot.

      in all things,

      peace - s.

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  6. this is an extraordinary post. i feel like standing up and applauding, and lying down on the ground and weeping, because you have hit on a lot of what i've been going through lately. thank you. thank you.

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    1. first, you're too kind, and second, i'm thankful to know that in some way sharing this bit of my journey may have been a wee help.

      many, many thanks for taking the time to stop by and share, and in all things,

      peace - s.

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  7. So true. I've been saying for years that our restoration may only come in heaven. People look at me as if I've given up but I don't see it that way. It has been a saving balm for me. We are inundated by the health & wealth "gospel" which is not gospel at all. Praying for you and your family and thanking you for this.

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  8. "the thing is, nothing has turned out like i thought it would."

    Somehow I think "we" think it will, because we are Christians. it is so easy to forget about all the wilderness in the Bible, mothers grieving for lost children, martyrs, and be-headings.... ALL those people whose lives did not turn out the way they thought. I feel like it is not really "acceptable" or accepted to lay it on the line and say those 12 simple words. Words like "be transparent" are often uttered in the Christian world, but when we reply well, "the thing is, nothing has turned out like i thought it would" the uncomfortable shut down begins.

    Thank you, thank you for saying them. Out loud, in the written word, for everyone to read them. Bold courage to believe in the grace and redemption of heaven can beat Goliath any day.

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  9. Steve - you are one of the good ones! Land a great job, and be blessed all year!

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